sorry for all who has to re-link but livejournal's giving me too much problems uploading photos so i'm back at blogger!
it's a new address though (:

http://rachel-teng.blogspot.com/

see ya'll over there! 

well, although the holidays had started since some time ago, like after final terms ended, the real holidays where i really could rest/chillax at home started just recently, prolly around late last week or sth.

apart from the ex-swoc treat preparations previously and the on-going trainings and the soon-to-start IHG coming along next week, i've only managed to squeeze in the few days of real holiday rest the last couple of days (thanks to the christmas and coming new year breaks :D )

anyhow, at least i got to meet up with some friends here and there.
and i'm really glad that i could spend some quality time with my parents the last few days...and it really made me think back to the past where we always had the usual sunday family day time together.
but now that everyone's got their own schedules and are ultra busy, it's becoming more and more rare, especially when i'm back in hall.
oh wells, that's life i guess.
but it's made me more determined to always set aside some time with my family no matter how busy i might be. (:

but that's not why i wanted to post an entry today.
my main focus was something which hit me during the car ride, which i had never thought of before and so really surprised me.

and that thought is: maybe sometimes i so want to prove myself to be strong on the outside (as in physically) because i want to hide the weaknesses i have inside (like being sick and so on...)

you know, like to mask the fact that i'm weak on the inside by being strong on the outside.
i'm not sure if it's making sense, but somehow that thought came to me.
which i'm quite shocked since i've never thought of myself that way.

arh wells.
i guess there're still many things which i'm ignorant about (many many things in fact), but it takes time for me to get through, learn and experience all those things.

i'm kinda lost in what my future holds right now.
for one, i totally feel that my module path to graduation is ruined because of my horrible planning.
second, i still have no idea what i want to do in future because i'm still trying to figure out what i like and what i'm good at.
as in the conversation with my dad earlier, others may be born knowing what their talents are, but i still don't know what mine is.
currently, i'm leaning extrememly close to the fact that i do not have any talent at all.
which is really sad and pathetic.
arhs..

but since it's the nice holidays now, i shan't depress everyone with my sorrows and doubts.
so here's wishing everyone happy holidays and have a great 2010 ahead :D

to be honest, i didn't have the intention to blog about the end of exams.
but wells, there isn't any outlet elsewhere for me to blabber about it since i'm still in hall and everyone else remaining are those who are still mugging for their remaining papers, so no one to really share the joy with.

but anyhow, i don't really know how to describe how good it felt last night (or rather early this morning) i was just lazing around watching online movies and playing games, without the pressure of having to go back to the books after.
and seriously, when there were hilarious scenes, i could really hear myself laughing. like laughing for real, no holding back, totally free.
and it kinda made me think and reflect back to how i've been since school started.
it just felt that i wasn't truly happy at all.
because up to today, i'm still lost as to what to major in and i'm still finding my place in school.
it just seems that ever since a'levels ended, my aim in life has disappeared.
cos basically, every academic year in the past was just to have the goal of finishing it all well, getting good grades for the major exams at the end.
but in university, things have changed.
it's no longer the rigid major final papers that we have to work hard for.
it's moved on to something called the CAP.
where cumulative results count.
which means that i've to be consistent all year round.
which makes it very difficult for me especially since i usually take a much longer time compared to others to get used to the system.
and i can tell that my results are not going to be good this semester, which sucks even more since according to seniors, our first few semesters should be where we strive for the best grades so as to be able to maintain a high CAP throughout the 3/4 year course.
so in a sense, i'm thinking whether i've totally ruined my entire degree course due to my negligence and laggardness in getting used to this new system.

and it's times like these which make me think why i came to uni in the first place.
all my life, i've just been following the normal path of life.
pri --> sec --> jc --> uni

but is that what i really want?
or is that what i can excel in?
is that what my life is supposed to be?


but i guess it's too late to regret now.
but by this week, i'm going to try to figure things out.
sort everything through and hopefully come up with a decisive major that i won't regret in future.

it really shows me the new phase of life i'm beginning now.
where decisions i make for myself have really huge consequences, and along with it comes great responsibility.
yes, people do make mistakes, we do falter.
yet it's my life we're talking about here.
it's no simple game where you can restart when you've failed.
there's not much room for turning back.
which is what scares me the most.

so many things to reflect.
so many things to have to think through thoroughly.
so many activities ongoing.
so many to-dos i've yet to finish up.
it seems like this holidays are too filled up to relax yet again.

sometimes it just feels like i'm burning out.
yet i don't feel that stressed yet to admit that.
and while forcing myself to feel numb through means and ways,
there's still this nagging feeling inside of me.
this feeling that i can't erase,
this feeling that i cannot describe.

and the knowledge that there's no one to really speak it out to,
makes it all the more worse.
because it just feels that no one really understands.
somehow everyone else knows their goals in life.

and to brave me through the rigorous readings of my last paper on mon, together with the great weather tonight. (:

"I'll Remember You"

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

Forever baby, I'll remember you