life's complicated

random thought...

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 11:24:29 GMT

well, although the holidays had started since some time ago, like after final terms ended, the real holidays where i really could rest/chillax at home started just recently, prolly around late last week or sth.

apart from the ex-swoc treat preparations previously and the on-going trainings and the soon-to-start IHG coming along next week, i've only managed to squeeze in the few days of real holiday rest the last couple of days (thanks to the christmas and coming new year breaks :D )

anyhow, at least i got to meet up with some friends here and there.
and i'm really glad that i could spend some quality time with my parents the last few days...and it really made me think back to the past where we always had the usual sunday family day time together.
but now that everyone's got their own schedules and are ultra busy, it's becoming more and more rare, especially when i'm back in hall.
oh wells, that's life i guess.
but it's made me more determined to always set aside some time with my family no matter how busy i might be. (:

but that's not why i wanted to post an entry today.
my main focus was something which hit me during the car ride, which i had never thought of before and so really surprised me.

and that thought is: maybe sometimes i so want to prove myself to be strong on the outside (as in physically) because i want to hide the weaknesses i have inside (like being sick and so on...)

you know, like to mask the fact that i'm weak on the inside by being strong on the outside.
i'm not sure if it's making sense, but somehow that thought came to me.
which i'm quite shocked since i've never thought of myself that way.

arh wells.
i guess there're still many things which i'm ignorant about (many many things in fact), but it takes time for me to get through, learn and experience all those things.

i'm kinda lost in what my future holds right now.
for one, i totally feel that my module path to graduation is ruined because of my horrible planning.
second, i still have no idea what i want to do in future because i'm still trying to figure out what i like and what i'm good at.
as in the conversation with my dad earlier, others may be born knowing what their talents are, but i still don't know what mine is.
currently, i'm leaning extrememly close to the fact that i do not have any talent at all.
which is really sad and pathetic.
arhs..

but since it's the nice holidays now, i shan't depress everyone with my sorrows and doubts.
so here's wishing everyone happy holidays and have a great 2010 ahead :D

emotional...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 04:11:20 GMT

i guess the picture says it all.

free...at last

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 01:42:34 GMT

to be honest, i didn't have the intention to blog about the end of exams.
but wells, there isn't any outlet elsewhere for me to blabber about it since i'm still in hall and everyone else remaining are those who are still mugging for their remaining papers, so no one to really share the joy with.

but anyhow, i don't really know how to describe how good it felt last night (or rather early this morning) i was just lazing around watching online movies and playing games, without the pressure of having to go back to the books after.
and seriously, when there were hilarious scenes, i could really hear myself laughing. like laughing for real, no holding back, totally free.
and it kinda made me think and reflect back to how i've been since school started.
it just felt that i wasn't truly happy at all.
because up to today, i'm still lost as to what to major in and i'm still finding my place in school.
it just seems that ever since a'levels ended, my aim in life has disappeared.
cos basically, every academic year in the past was just to have the goal of finishing it all well, getting good grades for the major exams at the end.
but in university, things have changed.
it's no longer the rigid major final papers that we have to work hard for.
it's moved on to something called the CAP.
where cumulative results count.
which means that i've to be consistent all year round.
which makes it very difficult for me especially since i usually take a much longer time compared to others to get used to the system.
and i can tell that my results are not going to be good this semester, which sucks even more since according to seniors, our first few semesters should be where we strive for the best grades so as to be able to maintain a high CAP throughout the 3/4 year course.
so in a sense, i'm thinking whether i've totally ruined my entire degree course due to my negligence and laggardness in getting used to this new system.

and it's times like these which make me think why i came to uni in the first place.
all my life, i've just been following the normal path of life.
pri --> sec --> jc --> uni

but is that what i really want?
or is that what i can excel in?
is that what my life is supposed to be?

but i guess it's too late to regret now.
but by this week, i'm going to try to figure things out.
sort everything through and hopefully come up with a decisive major that i won't regret in future.

it really shows me the new phase of life i'm beginning now.
where decisions i make for myself have really huge consequences, and along with it comes great responsibility.
yes, people do make mistakes, we do falter.
yet it's my life we're talking about here.
it's no simple game where you can restart when you've failed.
there's not much room for turning back.
which is what scares me the most.

so many things to reflect.
so many things to have to think through thoroughly.
so many activities ongoing.
so many to-dos i've yet to finish up.
it seems like this holidays are too filled up to relax yet again.

sometimes it just feels like i'm burning out.
yet i don't feel that stressed yet to admit that.
and while forcing myself to feel numb through means and ways,
there's still this nagging feeling inside of me.
this feeling that i can't erase,
this feeling that i cannot describe.

and the knowledge that there's no one to really speak it out to,
makes it all the more worse.
because it just feels that no one really understands.
somehow everyone else knows their goals in life.

what they want to do in future.
what they want out of their lives.
what they wish for, what they hope for, what they've always dreamed about.

is it ever possible to just want a life of happiness?
to just be optimistic enough to go through each day?

i guess it's time to really expand myself.
to really grow up and mature.
i'm no longer a kid.
not really a teen either.
i'm a young adult.
and i've to think like one, and act like one.
it's time to leave the old shell of always hiding away.
time to learn to think independently,
to speak up,
to express myself,
to be me,
the real me i want to be.

this song is stuck in my head right now...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 10:58:21 GMT

and to brave me through the rigorous readings of my last paper on mon, together with the great weather tonight. (:

"I'll Remember You"

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

Forever baby, I'll remember you

issues...thoughts...too many for me to handle

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:29:05 GMT

before i start rambling all my thoughts and what not here, let me just talk about night cycling!

it was sort of a halloween theme event since it was on friday night-saturday morning.
but overall it was just the experience of overnight cycling which made me wanna join.
partnered with athena and was fortunate that she took the front and i took the back -- because i totally suck at handling directions ):
anyhow, it was a nice experience, but beware of the BUTT pains you'll get after.
it's not even aches, it just hurts like hell.
started from hall...to labrador park, then to lao pa sat followed by sempang (?) bedok and ended at east coast park.
nth much to talk about it actually cos you have to be there and experience it yourself to understand.
haha.

and for that, i've to stay in hall over the weekend again.
because it didn't make sense for me to go home just to sleep the whole day + having to rush through doing my laundry + catching dad on his way home + rushing back to hall on sunday night for mtg.
so to make things easier, decided to just stay in hall for the second weekend.
well, consolation was that i skyped with my parents just now so i wouldn't miss home that bad?
i mean i can get through not being at home, but i just have this feeling in me that i don't like leaving my parents at home while i'm in hall you know...don't know how to describe that feeling but yeah.
which also made me think twice about continuing my stay in hall.
on one hand, it's the home and financial part.
on the other, i feel that i'm too attached to hall and the fact that i already have so many committments in hall that it's rather difficult for me not to continue on my stay.
plus the fact that all my uni friends are from hall, other than my tutorial group friends, which will make my life rather pathetic in school.
but yet, i'm afraid that i won't be able to cope with my studies as well, as seen from my horrifying mid term results.
i don't know.

and then there are the relationship issues that my friends are gg thru and i'm trying to help them along with.
it's amazing how all these issues flood in at the same time though.
and somehow these just affects my thinking as well, as in like it makes me think more.
judging by the consecutive days of HTHT sessions i've had in hall and over msn, most ppl agree that i think alot too.
wouldn't know if that's a good or bad thing though.

oh wells, finals are drawing nearer.
just hope that i'll be able to get through with it and do well enough for what i aim to achieve.
haiz.
jiayou ppl!
miss you all too!

hrmphs...

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:58:50 GMT

decided to have a quick post before heading off for dinner with the nydb girls team!
finally gg to meet them since i haven't seen them in a long long while, other than farhanah and dina who i'll see during soci lectures, haha.

anyhow, been feeling really..emo-ish lately.
i don't currently have the right word to describe what i'm feeling, but it's not like those depressed emo kinda thing if you get what i mean.
i think it's more towards the relationships issue.
not that i'm having any issues with it.
but the sudden influx of those issues my friends are having and are letting me know makes me think abt it too...
well, i'm glad that they do actually talk to me about it cos it shows that they trust me, but i feel rather useless since i've not been through one and wouldn't know how to help them either.
all i can do is to provide emotional support and give the most constructive/ideal advice i can think of.
but it just brings me back to the fat and ugly issue i've been battling all my life.
i just feel that i will never be able to get over these issues because i simply can't.
forget abt positive thinking because it never lasts, i've tried.
and when you're in FASS and stay in hall and start seeing all the other girls, it's even more demoralizing.
been trying to keep myself more active, but to even find time to sleep is a luxury..so other than the sports i'm joining, there's really nothing much i can do about it.
dieting doesn't really help but i'm still watching over what i'm consuming.
at least for now, i'm able to control my lunch meals more or less.

is it me or suddenly everyone around me is just into relps now?
i realised that there's always a certain period of time in a year where all my friends will face similar issues and they all come flooding in tgt, so it's kinda scary.
but come to think about it, i shouldn't even be emo-ing right now since final terms are in less than a month's time and i haven't gotten down to revision yet.
plus the fact that my mids are officially screwed up, all the more i've to work uberly hard for finals.
just that everytime it's near the exams, these issues start popping up.
every year it happens, this year isn't an exception.
sometimes i wonder if it's due to stress that makes me think too much.
or maybe it's the lack of sleep.
i don't know.

haiz.
just live and let live.
shall just try hard to continue keeping it within myself, since making others emo with me isn't exactly a good thing to do, right?
(:

stressed...

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 13:27:25 GMT

ok, i don't i'm really feeling that stressed yet.
but i just feel that i'm not coping well with everything.
and i'm afraid that i can't meet up to expectations that everyone else has of me.
like what if i fail and disappoint them?

i've so much to catch up this weekend and yet i'm still idling my time away here, but i guess i just gotta let it out first.

just finished my south asia term assg after working on it the whole day.
feel some sense of achievement, and hopefully i'll do well for it,
for at least one of my term papers/tests.

been 3 papers down, 2 more to go, 2 more weeks to endure.
but while i'm revising, i'm lagging for the current lectures again.
just when i managed to use recess week to catch up with everything, e-learning week got me down again.
to me, it's a double-edged sword.
it's good cos i get to replay when i missed any points in lecture,
but the problem will be that i'll always have something else that i'll give priority to when i don't have to attend the lecture itself.
catch up catch up catch up.
i feel like i'm running a never-ending marathon.
but i must persevere!

friday night was good, meeting up with the gossip session again, haha.
something really shocked me, but since it's not a really good thing, i shan't say it here.
but overall, i'm glad just to break out of the cycle of uni, hall and home.
well, at least i know that i'm not the only one not coping really well with uni, but it's kinda scary to know that too.
since all our seniors did tell us that if we could survive A's, uni should be fine.
and look what's happening to us!
hopefully we didn't scare eunice and vivienne abt uni from our ramblings, heh.

and seriously, i'm having sushi every weekend i'm back.
i don't know if it's a good thing or bad.
but next weekend, i'm definitely not having that anymore.
not that i'm sick of it already, but i don't want it to happen either!

tracking back a little more.
thursday night was..an eye-opener and an experience for me.
as you already know, i suck at public speaking.
and for swoc rally, we all had to have this 2min speech and q&a session.
i didn't think i did well, but fortunately for the support of my close friends and blockmates and everyone else nice enough to vote for me, i managed to pull through!
yay!
didn't get the secretary position i wanted, but cos i didn't wanna have a conflict with jiaxin, decided to let her have it and go for treasurer instead.
and when everyone told me that i should have fought for it, ...i didn't know what to say.
you can say i sort of regret not fighting for it, partly cos i'm very scared of the responsibilities of treasurer and that i can't meet up to the standards.
but mainly i was thinking whether it's my weakness.
but you know, it's always better to have everyone happy right, rather than having conflict and having to de-conflict?
i don't know, i shall learn...slowly.

and volleyball before swoc was good.
good in the sense that i really feel worked out.
which explains the muscle aches.
but i find that i really can't control the vball well.
gotta train train train hard!

can't really rmb the rest of the week.
but everything flew by really quickly.
time is never enough, ain't it?
alright. back to mugging now.

to all:
i know it's a stressful period now till end of the year but hang in there yeah!
we shall all work hard tgt and celebrate during dec hols (:
take care and don't fall sick!

love ya'll :D

HAPPY :D

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:44:58 GMT

well, just the subject title should say it all.
there're many things to be happy about this weekend.
and let's begin with the biggest -- F1

F1
Lewis Hamilton won the Singapore GP 2009!
yayness, was totally elated but couldn't spread the joy since ppl all around me aren't really interested in F1, which is quite sad to know.
and the fact that the only one i know who's into F1 isn't a Hamilton supporter, oh wells.
at least it totally perked me up from the whole week of mugging! (:
and it really was good strategy and driving from the McLauren team and Hamilton.
didn't regret spending those hours in front of the tv watching the practice sessions, qualifying and the GP itself.
last year's was filled so much more drama, and safety cars and accidents, but this year's one was still great to watch.
next one coming up will be Japan next weekend, whoo!
finally something to look forward to other than studies all the time, heh.

finger sprain recovering
for the first few days, i was really worried that it wouldn't recover in time for me to write properly for mids. and i've a paper tml actually, which made it even more worried. so it got me all frustrating, jumpy and moody the entire half week since i got that sprain. plus the fact that the doc told me that it could months or even years for it to recover fully totally freaked me out. up till today, i still can't bend it or straighten it fully but at least i can write, thank god. and another interesting fact is that i can finally swallow the tablets/pills now. laugh all you want but for a period of time, i couldn't swallow it no matter what, but now i'm normal again, hahaha. (:

studies
for once, i'm feeling like i'm beginning to understand what i'm studying.
because since sch started, i've not been understanding what i'm studying at all.
but now with better knowledge, it makes studying much easier to get through.
though i still have much to catch up, it's heartening to know that i'm really learning stuff (:

SEP
that's student exchange program in short.
was just randomly talking about it with my mum this morning because i had already partly given up that sep dream because the expenses are so high. but what i heard from my mum really...touches my heart.
first, she said why not? because she wanted me to really experience the different culture and learning environment, plus the fact that i haven't sat in a plane before or ever went overseas myself before, she felt that she should support me in this.
super sweet and touching right!
and she said i could go to australia, melbourne because at least i've relatives there.
it isn't my ideal destination but it's still alright, better than...erm other countries that i would rather not go, but shan't say it here cos it's not very nice.
and that'll mean that i'll still get to learn a different culture and might even get the opportunity to meet ll there, prolly need to travel for a long period of time or sth but i could still try? :D
so now i'm really hyped up and excited about it. shall start gathering info from tml, after my nm paper.

switching faculty
at first, i apprehended talking about this with my mum cos i was afraid that she'll talk about my indecisiveness and how i didn't plan properly. but i was shocked but glad that she said that she'll support my decision if i really wanted to. but i still don't know what to do. but i guess i'll just do a minor in what i wanted to do and see how it goes. afterall, even if i'm studying what i really wanted, i might not end up doing what i studied. so it doesn't really matter if i just minor-ed in it and continue in arts right?
i'm just worried that i still don't really know how to study for arts since i'm more of a math person, like where you give me formula, i'll work it out and get a direct answer. where it's not like dubious in the sense that there's no right or wrong answer but it just matters on how you argue for your stand.
alright i'll admit that i loved the argumentative essays for gp, but currently when i'm not knowledgeable in the subjects i'm studying -- european history, south asia studies, sociology, communications and new media -- it's difficult coming up with good points and arguments to support my stand, i think you get my drift.
so for now, i'm still hoping that i'll be able to cope well because my plan is to see how my results fare for this sem before deciding on what to major in, although i would really love either econs or new media. both of which are really competitive and difficult to score really well, esp for econs. so whether to change faculty is still an option.
but i'll see how it goes for now. need to understand more about changing faculty also.

volleyball
another thing to be happy about is that i got into volleyball!
was totally not expecting it because i felt that i've ruined my chances during trials when i sucked during the final game.
it seemed like i was totally redundant for that game, and whenever they tried to set the ball to me, i couldn't hit it properly.
and the fact that my serving skills still suck.
so i'm really elated that i managed to get this opportunity to train and learn this sport, yay!
first training this thur, so it's another thing to look forward to this week

on the other hand, though i'm a little afraid that i might not be able to cope with SMB's (sports management board) writer expectation, the happiness in me is currently keeping this fear at bay.
but i just hope i won't screw up the entire thing.
because i did say that i could write.
but now, i'm not really sure about that anymore.
but i'll try and we'll see.
should always try to remain positive and optimistic!

ok, shall wrap up now.
few hours left for sleep before lessons and mids tml.
jiayou and all the best to all whether you're having exams, attachments or whatsoever thing you have.
haven't been able to keep in contact with most (i'm a loner lah, haha), so don't really know what's up with everyone nowadays.
but JIAYOU!
stay happy ppl!
:D

reminisce

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 13:40:04 GMT

Rag day 080809

IBG

well, if you do read this blog, you would have realised that i haven't blogged for quite some time because i've been very busy lately ):
but anyhow, just some random memory flashbacks of rag 09/10 and yeah, it was a good time.
basically, i haven't had time to blog much because there was IBG, interblock games.
for the past week, we've all been going down to the SRC (sports and recreational centre) to play all the different games and i finally got the chance to be active again, playing softball, bball, netball and vball. the clinics for the different sports also made me want to join all of them although i know that i can't because i won't be able to cope..
what i found rather interesting was handball, even though our block didn't get to play in ibg, maybe i'll go the trials for ihg, just for fun.

and today's games were really fun i must say.
touch rugby and softball finals.
our block managed to play quite well but i had to stop early cos i think i landed on the wrong footing and my ankle area hurts.
from what janice told me, it was some kind of tendon stretch.
so after icing it for awhile, and seeing that softball finals was sort of 'over', cos we were all playing just for fun since the winner was already out, decided to play softball for awhile too.
guess the ankle's alright, just that it hurts a little now..

then block a had a mini pizza party for whoever's staying in hall today -- since it's a saturday and most of the time, the locals all go home. so we took this opportunity ti have this spontaneous pizza party thingy, haha. turned out quite well i guess (:

--

i'm sort of in a dilemma right now because there are so many sports and committees that i wanna join and try but yet i know i would have to balance studies and hall activities really well, which apparently i'm not very good at handling.
but on the other hand, then it makes me wonder what's the use of staying in hall in the first place.
like other than for convenience, hall activities are what makes hall fun and what i want to experience before i won't be able to stay in hall anymore, although i would greatly hope that won't be the case.

but oh wells.
we'll see how it all goes.
meanwhile, i've got to catch up on some readings now.
(:

update

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 03:51:40 GMT

so far, the week has been rather monotonous due to the fact that i was either at dance, or swoc (orientation camp) activities or in my room.
i have no idea why but i'm starting to feel more afraid of rag day coming, but it's good in the sense that it makes me give my all for each full run we have. adrenaline rush i guess, but i like it (:

swoc activities have been fun, for the few ones that i went for.
i think we were all high most for the sentosa games.
station games, beach games and all.
block a totally ruled the games man!
finished the pre-lunch games the fastest and did very well for post-lunch activities!
only sad thing was that we lost the mass games, cos all the rag dancers left and they prolly had too few people to play.
but it's all in the name of fun and i really enjoyed my time there so all's good (:
somehow, after the games, i realised that my block mates are actually all very nice ppl.
though it's prolly because those who went were the ones i could click with.

and thankfully mark brought his netbook, and all of us managed to check our bidding of mods.
for me, i think i really learnt my lesson to plan properly and allocate my points properly.
got all the mods i wanted except for malay studies.
so i'll prolly have to bid super high points for that mod in the next round since there's only 5 vacancies available or just change that mod, we'll see how again.

so for all nus friends, do tell me if you're taking these mods as well then we can go for lectures tgt, and prolly even for tutorials!
econs exposure, comm and new media exposure, soci exposure, history exposure and one more last one which i haven't decided yet, but prolly malay studies/southeast asia studies/south asia studies exposure.

and so coincidentally, when i was talking to one of my ex-colleagues from SBF, i found out that zihao was actually taking all the same mods as me!
totally coolness man.
hopefully i'll get the malay studies one and we'll have the exact same mods and i'll know who to look for when i need notes or whatsoever, hahahaa.

and today, i've decided to hide in my room and not go for swoc activites.
the reason is also actually why i didn't want to go home -- cos there was one H1N1 case in swoc yesterday.
and the fact that i'm more prone to getting it and will suffer from complications when i have it scares me out.
so to play safe, i'd rather stay in my room and monitor my health than go home and cause potential harm to my family members.
but don't worry my friends, for now i'm still okay.
the cough and sore throat and flu i'm having now has been with me since a long long time and it's not h1n1 (:

so to end off this random update, take care all my beloved friends.
the peak of h1n1 is here, so do take extra precaution alright!
love ya'll all :D

rag bash

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 15:18:03 GMT

been super tired the entire week, not really sure why but prolly cos i've been getting less sleep (though i should be used to this by now, unless age matters on how much my body can tolerate) and maybe cos i'm still getting used to sleeping outside my own room.
but to be honest, i really liked my time spent at hall where i can really HTHT with the few girls i'm close to, aka athena and adrielle. and the fact that i'm moving to hall next weekend makes me anticipate every moment even more :D
and so, it is now that i realised that i haven't gotten anything my hostel room yet.
so when i actually got down to jotting down the things i needed to buy and pack, i finally saw the big picture when everyone told me that i should have started packing and buying the stuff i needed earlier.
sians, looking at the schedule for next week, i've totally no time to get all these done!
oh mans.
mon - fri : rag dance 10am-10pm
thur : FTT revision lesson
fri : FTT prac, FTT test
sun : shift to hall

so that leaves me with just sat to get everything.
but what's the most touching thing is that my parents and brother is gg with me on check-in day (:
so sweet right!
to like help me clean up the room abit too, oh mans.
i feel so so so loved right now!

and now for the main reason for this post -- rag bash!
oh my gosh, it was damn crazy and high!
honestly, i was super tired and bored at the beginning of it.
but after a few rounds of drinks and everything, it was high enough though i was sober high.
so it was really tiring, haha.
and i was pretty sad cos there was one group who sat down at one corner, and i felt bad that i couldn't do anything to like bond everyone tgt.
many interesting happenings, or so i heard.
cleaning up after was quite sian cos had to be the 'safety control' again and get the drunk ppl safe at the lounge to rest and clear up the place abit.
after that, a few of us went for round 2 at comm hall, haha.
power right!
and i drank new drinks which i really liked -- apple vodka, malibu pepsi, malibu pineapple, chivas greentea was rather normal...

but having said this, i must clarify that i've stopped a long time ago and i won't be back to drinking/clubbing again soon except for social reasons k. so dear friends, don't be worried yup (:
afterall, i'm sure you all know that i'm still me.
don't want you all to think that i'm some wild party animal or sth.

but on a general note, i still enjoyed rag bash although it was much crazier than anyone of us had planned or predicted it to be, haha.
and round 2 at comm hall was actually more productive in producing the gossips and HTHT session, haha.
and moreover, doing it with the seniors was way better since they knew more insider info eh, haha!
and actually some qns that they asked me really made me think.
to which i still have no idea.
to be honest, i'm not really sure why i'm ever-green.
guess it's just my personal barriers that i've to overcome, of which i haven't too.
so oh wells.
i'm still learning i guess.
but somehow it made me feel that being in hall lets me learn alot and i guess mature more?
cos it's like whenever i hang out with the seniors, i feel that i'll learn from their experiences so it's kinda cool.
woohoo!
but thinking that i'll really need good time management to juggle sch and hall activities scares me out.
but i believe that with the help of my friends to get me through this period, i should do just fine (:
gonna pray hard that my other block mates and course mates would be more like ppl such as athena/jas/sher/ll. like ppl who i can really relate to and trust enough to tell all (not that i've secrets to hide from anyone too,haha)

and to conclude, as i've been saying alot recently.
i'll blog when i'm more free like today, cos otherwise i'd rather rest and sleep.
so sms for anything else ppl, love ya'll! :D

just because i have a little time on my hands

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 16:52:45 GMT

yup, and the video above is super cute! it's actually really hard work thinking about how much effort has to be put in to do the animation. cool work!

and so, today was rag seniors' presentation. generally, i felt that it went well.
really happy with my performance though, and i also know that there's much improvement to be made, but yeah we did it (:
meeting a few of the girls for lunch tml before heading down for prac again in the afternoon.
guess i'll be hardly online during the weekdays now, esp since i would be too lazy to switch on the comp when i reach home at night too, heh.

hmm so life's been busy with rag mostly.
haven't got much spare time to hang out with friends so i'm really missing most of them.
gotta cramp all the outings during the weekends, but it's draining me out too.
oh wells.

for now, i'm really anticipating hall life.
just the independence and the fun that i can imagine me having is exciting me :D
heard from yeow lin today that the block comms have already chosen the freshies for their block, so i can't wait to know which block i'm staying in. hopefully it's one where it's more happening and fun! and where more of my friends from secc and rag will actually be. that'll make life easier (:

and i realise something.
somehow, i'm always associated with people whose names start with j.
like since sec school.
weird huh.
plus the fact that i was supposed to be named j-something something too.
rachel's such a common name now.
but no matter what, i still like it, HAHA.
and to ll and jas, i think you all will really know what i mean right?
or maybe not, heh.
will elaborate more when we chat again, haha.

for now, life's still good.
don't know why everyone around me keeps talking about relationship-related stuff, but...
i don't know if i'm weird or abnormal or whatever.
but i'm really not in the looking-out stage.
but just keeping everything friendly, you know.
though i really wouldn't mind if the ideal one comes along, but so far haven't really gotten to know one so yeah.
so ppl, stop asking me all the similar qns already k?

yup. that's about it. so ll, don't complain that i didn't update my blog k, did this post for you leh! haha, don't expect another soon though (:

NDP 2009 CR3

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 18:07:00 GMT

alrights, just a quick update for the past two days' happenings.

3rd July
Was super irritated by my agent for work cos she made me go down an extra trip back to office just to get my timesheet signed. the problem was that she was supposed to fill in the extra two days' work timings in my previous timesheet which i had already handed to her and of which she has already told me she would do. then after that, she came sending an email stating that i would need to fill up the timesheet document that she attached cos she had already sent the previous one to payroll. like hello, i've already informed you beforehand so it's her fault right. BUT i'm the one having to do all the running around just to get the damn timesheet signed, and she's earning my money not doing anything. wha, freaking pissed la.

after that, rushed to meet daddy at vivo to go for the nus undergrad pre-admission checkup. generally it was alright, other than the interesting fact that i'm prolly the first student to be buying medicine from the UHC even before i'm registered officially as a student. super funny i tell you. i had to like stand at the counter telling the staff my details so that she could register me first before making the purchase. and in the first place, i didn't even intend to buy any medicine from there. it was just cos during the doctor's consultation, she saw that i was having some fungal rash on my feet so seeing my condition, she suggested that it was better that i got this cream to speed up the healing process. weird la.

after that, had a mini car ride exploring where fass was to see my future often-seen-there place. then headed to sheares for rag.
it was a rather tiring session, so i'm wondering how i'm going to last the 10am-10pm sessions...

and after that, it was austin power and justice bao combined stayover.
it was initially thought to be a large group since it's two groups, but it turned out that mostly the raggers were there, and though smaller than expected, the numbers were still quite big. so quite happy with the turnout. chatted the whole night, played games and HTHT alot. or should i put it this way -- i learnt mroe facts about the others that night, heh heh. realised that the other groups had many scandals and AP was like the most innocent group (thank goodness!), haha.

oh oh, and to really prove my loyalty for rag, although i think not of the raggers will see this, heh, i rejected psych camp to go for rag sessions. since next week's a rather important week, and psych camp happens during most of next week, i decided to give it a go. to think that i was really excited to go for more camps since i've only like gone for one so far, which most likely will be the one and only one i'm gg. cos i can't go for orientation week as well cos of rag. oh mans, i feel like i sound so deprived ):

4th July
NDP preview!
it was the 3rd combined rehearsal and my family got free tix cos my brother was participating, so we took this opportunity to support him as well as to watch the NDP at marina bay since the last time we went was years and years ago and it was at stadium, so there's like a different feel. so far, what i really liked about the whole parade is the fireworks as well as the greater exposure of the navy! i shan't be a total spoiler for those who likes to know the details of ndp only on 9th aug itself, so here are just a few photos to show how the stage roughly looks like.

actually i've videos of the fireworks, but i shall keep it a spense so that you all will really enjoy it on 9aug itself (:
i really liked this year's concept of really showing more of the home team and their operations, as well as the navy. it was really cool, so hype yourselves up for the actual event yeah! haha.

and i really liked this photo i took of my parents with the stage background.
they look so cute in the photo la!
so i shall use it as the ending shot, yay!

upcoming activities
basically, tomorrow's the day when ll's flying off to aust.
kinda not looking forward to it cos i don't really want her to leave cos i know i'll miss her damn alot.
but i also understand that it's her decision and it's for studies, so no choice also.
previously wanted to hang out at her house in the day first since her flight was at night.
but thinking that there'll normally be last-min packing that she'll need to do, plus she'll have to spend time with her relatives as well, i figured that she would be super busy so we'll just be sending her off at the airport.
haiz...

and from next week onwards, i don't remember if i mentioned it before but rag would be from 10am-10pm daily on weekdays.
so i'll prolly won't be seen much from next week onwards till first week of aug or so. but i'm still available on weekends so do continue to keep me updated on meetups k ppl? and i'm still considering if i should check into hall earlier since rag makes it such that it's as good as staying there instead of travelling to and fro. just that i don't want to add on to the family's expenses already, like not necessary expenses. hiya.

then i'll also be busy doing all the administrative matters for uni.
start getting furniture or things i'll need for hall.
and take time to really re-pack my room to get it ready for uni.
and then there's my FTT this month too.
and settling the module thingy for uni when it begins so that i can plan my practical lessons for driving.
and prolly look for a suitable part-time job or tutoring job to supplement the family's income somehow.
and most importantly of them all, getting myself mentally prepared for school to start.
and really find time to lose weight.
and the willpower to diet.
and the determination to do my blood checks regularly and get the levels stablizied again for easier and better control.

busy busy month to come.

and for a totally random thing.
i'm surprised that i managed to last so long without having gone to sleep last night and with only a few hours of sleep this morning before i set out for the day. haha, amazing.
but i'm really tired now, so i shall stop here already.
people, anything just message me k, whether it's urgent or now!
thanks (:

random update

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 05:14:14 GMT

realised that i'm the last of the RSL to update on our recent happenings, but i'm kinda lazy to retype almost the same as what they mentioned so i shall leave it as it was GREAT FUN hanging out with them :D
we also celebrated ll's bday and though we tried to surprise her, it was obviously of no use, haha. i think so far they've only managed to really surprise me, as according to them, i'm the most blur one so yeah, easy to bluff to eh. oh wells, it was a nice surprise though (:

anyhow, just reflecting on all these made me feel that everything's changing very quickly now.
like i've a handful of friends who are all flying overseas for studies and so on, and everyone's really going separate ways.
that's life, i know.
but it's also quite sad to know that it'll get more difficult to keep in contact with everyone else.
in a sense it feels good to know that we're all growing up and experiencing more in our lives also lah.
encouraging fact is that we'll all get to know more people and widen our circle of friends as well. hmmm.

anyhow, i forgot if i mentioned this but i got into sheares hall!
so excited about that.
hall life anticipation.
on the other hand, i think i'll suffer from home-sickness ):
and partly because my parents will be at home alone after i move to hall, which is damn sad can.
haiz, so it's kinda weird feeling excited yet worried at the same time, sians..

oh and i'm like totally enjoying the peace and quiet i'm having now at work because everyone's out for an event and i'm here all alone taking care of everything. so cool right!
i feel quite honoured that the company actually has so much trust in me in handling all the work and phone calls while they're away.
but i still wouldn't want to work here permenantly too though.
pay's not attractive and it's like exploitation la, haha.
but it's nice to know that they keep calling me back when they need help, heh.
fancy going back to the same workplace for 3 times.
as in being called back thrice, haha.

arh, and i forgot to add!
okay, i know i'll sound super noob saying this but i had my first try of skype last night!
super fun mans!
was actually trying it out with ll before she flies off to aust, and it's quite sad that we all can't have a group video call, but only call and just hear voices.
hopefully they can come up with improvements for that, for free.
student budget la.
then we all can have group video calls all the time! haha.

alrighty, gotta stop here for now, get back to work.
have fun people :D

rag dance, OG outing

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 20:26:40 GMT

yup, been busy the whole week. basically spent it with my two lovelies, catching up and shopping and sentosa-ing and camwhoring as well as rag dance. somehow, i guess i've a retarted reaction to the highness of rag, cos i'm now beginning to feel all high for rag! like i'm actually looking forward to rag practices and i'm liking the stunts! although i still think that i'm too heavy to be a flyer and i'll prolly crush all the guys with my weight, i'm still hopeful to be able to continue doing stunts! hehe.

anw, been spending alot of time with the girls because ll's gg to fly off very soon (and i'll miss you so TERRIBLY!) so it's like making the most of her time here now before it'll be another 6 months till we see her again. it was great to chill out with them both, but it kinda drained my finances so now i'm really damn broke alr. been withdrawing money from my account 3 times this week alone, gosh!

tml we're gg to meet up again, this time for celebrating ll's bday, eggcited or not?!
heh, gg to try stonegrill at no-idea-where.
it's fun having first-times with them, haha.
funny thing is i can't get to sleep yet, at like 421am!

oh and we finally had the austin og outing yesterday.
learnt some skills in pool from vimal, and it was really cool to see the guys playing like pros man.
had our dinner at kenny rogers, another first for me (:
but it's like all chicken and yeah.
shared the family platter with siyin, athena and ning xin.
the side dishes are really huge in portion for the platter.
so we ended up not finishing them, i know waste of food but really no choice!
next time i'm there, i'll know.
i'll just have the side dish as a meal, good enough for me.
spent awhile chatting at some grass patch outside marina square.
one funny thing was that joseph seemed so shocked to know some stuff about us girls, so yeah.
guess we're still the innocent ones eh, haha.

feeling rather confused now about all the uni modules to bid and everything.
guess i'll have to go for the orientation talks and read up the website to check things out.
for now, tata!

SECC high!

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:04:02 GMT

OHKAY.
haven't been posting much recently, i know. but i kinda don't remember what has happened lately other than the sheares hall camp so i shall just write about that! haha.

well, it was great fuuunn!
liked the late night chill out sessions and suppers!
but it just made one fact very known to myself.
that i'm really bad at socialising.
and no matter how hard i try, i still can't be as sociable as i want to be.
and i still cannot take photos.

urgh.
anyhow, secc made me really anticipate hall life.
i believe that it'll be very fun and interesting, and i'm hoping that i'll get to stay near all my friends i stayed with at camp!
wouldn't it be great to be like having camp everyday?!

now i really feel like signing up for more camps but i've no idea which one to go and partly cos no one's going with me too.
haiz, i'll see how.
oh, and quite a few of us joined rag dance!
missed the first practice today, but i'm really looking forward to thur's one.
anticipate, anticipate.

and back to the anti-social and cannot-take-photos part, i guess fb tells it all.
i totally look ugly in all the photos, i'm thinking how horrible it'll be when the group compilation cd gets into my hands ):
and the anti-social part, haiz.
i really don't understand how it became to this.
but i've totally lost any confidence in myself.
i don't understand how others are able to be so sure of themselves all the time, other than the fact that they have all the beautiful looks and character and the all-rounder sports ability as well.
i don't really care how others look at me.
but when i look at myself, i feel disgusted.
it's like i'd wish i could just remain being age 5 or something.
where i didn't have to care about the world and everything was still as innocent and naive as i thought it were.
where troubles didn't seem to bother me, where play was all i got and love was all around.
i think i like living in the past too much.
that being in the present freaks me out, and looking to the future is scaring me out of my wits.
but i'm really serious here.
no matter how anyone trys to psycho me out of this inferior thingy, i just cannot grasp the fact of myself.
how awful i feel whenever i look at myself from an outsider's view.
how...how i would so hate to be me.

i feel so two-faced.
on the outside, i'm appearing to be happy and totally fine with anything.
but deep down inside, i'm torn between hating myself and disgusted to the core.
though i'm speaking the truth when i said i enjoyed the camp, most parts of it anw.

sometimes, i think to myself that maybe seeing a shrink or someone like that could help me feel better.
but that is just a thought.
maybe if i major in psych, i'll help myself thru.

and now, schedule's amazingly getting packed.
mostly cos of committments to rag.
excited for that one!
though on the hindsight, it just reminded me that it'll prolly make me feel worse abt myself again, but i want to join in the fun and just try to let loose abit and see how.

oh wells. it's been all me me me talk.
a little thought on the H1N1.
i'm thinking that people are now less bothered about it and are taking things for granted, hence leading to the rising number of cases.
though it may not be as difficult to handle as SARS, but it's still an epidemic right?
maybe not.
i'm still shocked that i heard abt this researcher who knew that he was already not feeling well but still chose to fly back to singapore and all. no pin-pointing or whatsoever, but i just wanted to know why we're not seeing this as serious as SARS was...oh wells.

GLEE.

Sun, 31 May 2009 16:39:51 GMT

Today was a great day!
And to sher and ll, PROOF that i can actually shop.
but first things first,
feeling quite excited about all the uni camps although so far i've only registered for one, today!
yup, and after browsing more websites and trying to get more info on all the other camps, i'm getting hyped up for camps now!
just quite sad that i'm quite broke now cos of the camp fees ):
YIXIN AND CARO, you two better pay me soon if not i'll just be a broke sad person!

haha, and then since the gss has sort of started and i'm in town, what else can i do?
so i spent the rest of the day shopping with my mum, it's quite tiring though.
haha, can't blame me since i never really took a liking to shopping.
bought clothes and sandals, getting all prepared for uni life man.
and it's one issue that irritates me the most actually.
because i'll have to start thinking of what to wear everyday for school.
i'd still prefer uniforms where i don't have to pick and choose.
plus all that "competition" from those who really care and do bother dressing up for school everyday.
but oh wells.
i'm the laid-back and casual type, so i'm not really gg to fret over that.
but sometimes i really wonder why i'm a girl.
because i'm totally clueless on how to dress up and all.
my fave combi would have to be jeans and tee.
arh wells, that's me. can't really change that can i?

anyhow, whoever knows of any fun and exciting camps/those that you're gg, do inform me yeah.
i'd love to try gg for more camps cos basically, we can only do this once ain't it?
so it's better to experience it than regret later.
(somehow got this concept from yixin -- we're only young once!)
haha okay, as you can tell i'm getting drowsy enough to crap so much.
so good night people!
oh yeah, do update me on your school status too yeah!
who knows, we could catch up in future in school or sth (:

FREE.

Wed, 13 May 2009 13:43:37 GMT

yes indeed i am.
it was a fun learning experience at subway, BUT i'm just not for the pay.
so quitting was, in my opinion, the right decision.
anyway, i got the job offer from my previous job.
so it sort of works out fine.
that i can still earn my moolah and start learning driving.
because office hours are fixed, and it's much easier to book for the lessons and so on.
the job offer isn't for long also, so i might still get to slack off the last month of holidays or something.

and i've got bad news.
i'm not even sure if i should be typing it here, but who cares anymore really.
i didn't get to my preferred choice of study at nus.
but at least i got a place now, in some other faculty.
so i'm still waiting for ntu, hopefully something good comes out of it.
and then i can make a decision.
now i'm just back to square one again, lost and confused.
afterall, i never really found out what my passion is, and so i'm still clueless on which course of study i should take and what career i want in future.
call me ignorant or whatever, but it's quite funny that we actually have to think about our job before studying eh.
i mean, i'd rather just find a job that interests me.
and have fun working, rather than to stick to that job because of my qualifications right?

on the other hand, i do have friends who already know what they want to do in life.
so i guess it's pretty much my own problem.
i'm goal-less.
aimless in life, still figuring out what to do.
i think i'm slow, retarded in growing up you know.
oh wells, no use writing it here, not that anyone would know what to tell me to do either.

anyhow, to all awaiting acceptance letters, all the best! and to those who've already received theirs, congrats and choose wisely yeah!
i'm already missing my friends.
haven't been contacting/hanging out with anyone for the past week or so...
i think i have a lack of social life as well, which is really sad to know. :(

*edited.
i forgot to add that i just found out that my medication actually makes me gain weight. like what the hell?! i only realised this after 7 years, thank you so much.

subway...

Sat, 09 May 2009 06:34:54 GMT

and after just 3 days of work there, i'm really really tired from working there.
well, i guess it's rather fun learning about the workings of the fnb business (well, you never know. maybe i might set up my own fnb business in future right?)
but the work is like crap, and the pay's even worse.
i really don't know how long i can last there, but i'm already doubting my decision to agree to work there.
at least now i know how they made the sandwiches and everything there.
and if not for the promotion going on, work wouldn't have been so hectic at peak hours.
it's really crazy, but i'm getting the hang of it.

and the fact that i can't have much rest time, i don't even have to talk about meeting up with friends and just chilling out.
and most of the time, if i'm not working or i've just ended work, i'm so freaking tired, i don't even want to go anywhere.
i just want to go home, bathe and rest.
in a way it's good exercise.
everyday, sweating it out.
rather than sitting in the office all day.
although i must say that at least in the office, it's fixed hours.
and there's regular lunch hours.
unlike in the food service.
normal meal times are the peak hours, and we can hardly afford the time to have our own meals.
so it's either very early or very late meals.
most of the time, it's the latter.

it's funny though that on the first day i worked, the double shift work.
i managed to skip dinner without realising it until we're closing, because i simply lost track of time since we're all so busy.

and another thing.
all the full timers are...not in the same generation as i am.
so i hardly know anything to talk to them about.
not that we get alot of time to chat either.
so when the nigh shift part timer guy came, i was rather relieved that at least there was someone my age whom i could chat with while working.

in conclusion, at least i'm gaining some kind of experience in an fnb job.
and hopefully next time, i can get one with a better pay.
actually i know of many others that pay better, but i guess i'll have to work things out and see if i can quit soon.
prolly just try for a month.
anw, i haven't signed any contract with them yet, so i can still change my mind.
oh wells.

so people, i'm sorry if i've not been keeping in contact whatsoever.
just keep me updated of whatever events and i'll let you know whenever i can yeah (:
thanks!

mt. faber

Sun, 03 May 2009 16:19:39 GMT

a short trip to Mt. Faber, how nice.

i've no idea why i can't switch off the underline function for this paragraph, so sorry abt it ppl!

anyhow, so on a very random spontaneous decision, my parents, brother and i decided to take a look at mount faber, where we've not been to since ages. and also to check out the route for the 9km southern ridges walk thing. i'd love to go on that walk soon, think it'll be nice. with the good exercise, opportunity to tan (or in my case get my skin red as a lobster) and to spend quality time (though with whom i do not yet know). it was nice though, the place. the scenery and the cool breeze really calms me. and i just prefer the fresher air up there as well as the chance for me to take as many photographs as i like, haha. so below, i shall show you some of the shots i took, though there are many more random ones which i don't have the time to upload and also because there are simply too many goofy shots already, haha.

this one is basically the introduction of it all. just look at the scenery, gosh it's bringing back the love of nature right? that's how it felt when i was there anw. and so, what else can you expect when you're there but lots of greenery eh. oh oh, i forgot to mention that i saw so many interesting, fascinating and exciting things there! below's just one of them.

here it is, a super small and cool car! and if you look carefully, you'd realise that it's actually a LEFT-HAND DRIVE! it's actually illegal in singapore so i have no idea why it's there. but it was actually parked at the disabled carpark, so i guess the driver prolly got special permission to custom make it. but still, it's so cool right! and thinking about it, i guess it's really easy to park and everything because it's so minute. only problem is that it's a two-seater, so doesn't fit my family's size, haha.

and here's another duh-picture. like what else can you expect from mt. faber but the well-known cable cars? these are the old models though, think they're closing it soon to revamp it. it was in the papers, go read it yourself. but i guess it's just following the concept of the singapore flyer you know, with nicer interior, added music and dining options and so on. so i think it's a timely affair that we went down that day to take pics cos it'll be one of those memories you have with the outdoor stadium. like taking pics for keepsake of the old buildings and features we used to have in singapore blah blah. i don't actually remember sitting in one before though my parents said i did when i was younger. but as usual, with my short-term memory, i don't recall any such event happening, haha. too bad, at least i can now remember seeing it before it's renovated. haha.

and this prolly just came out not long ago, let me check. it's the jewel box btw, like obviously from the pic. can't really find out, but i'm guessing prolly last year or something. it looks nice, modern enough. haha i've heard of quite a few events held there that was quite cool, so yeah. now i've finally seen for myself where it is and how it looks like. oh oh, and you'll not believe what i saw beside the valet parking guy standing there on the right.

it's a MASERATI GRAN TURISMO! i know, you can always find those pictures on the web, but seeing it in real life is simply...wow. even my mum agrees with me that it looks beautiful, so there, my taste is not that bad eh. but it's too expensive for me to consider it as a car. it's more like a status symbol for the rich and famous. still, it's something to drool about. arh..i must say that it's a perfect timing for us to be there on that day. (:

and the final nice thing i saw there was this water feature. if i could, i'd want to have one in my dream home, because it just fits what i want in a decorative accessory for my house. and the colour's perfect, my oh my. i'd keep this photo just in case i really do get to design my own house in future and use this as my main water feature man. *dreams.

and so, that's about it folks. here's a parting photo, all smiles from the day of sun, fun and bonding!
bye :D

the weather.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 04:38:32 GMT

i think the weather's really getting to me.
the humidity and heat is making me easily frustrated,
while the rain is making me really moody.
but i'd still prefer the rain though, at least it's more cooling.

and then today, just when i had planned to go for a short swim, it started pouring like nobody's business.
thanks a lot for foiling my burn-calories-lose-weight plan.
so now i'm stuck at home again with no plans for the day.

it doesn't help as well that my mum's breathing down my neck on the university acceptance letters or whatnot.
it's worrying enough that i'm not hearing or getting anything, i don't really need her to remind me of that everyday.

anyway, the wind's just changed direction and the rain's coming down against my window now.
the pi-pattering sound of the rain's quite nice actually.

i really need a job soon, or boredom's really going to drive me nuts.
but i'm thinking of trying another type of job.
office life isn't really for me, unless i'm totally out of options.
maybe the fnb would be interesting.
nicer if i get to learn how to mix drinks, just for fun.
oh wells.
but if i want to be reclusive, i must say that office life is more suitable.
you know, like when there're days when you don't really feel like talking much, and just want to get on with things, you can just sit at your desk and do your own thing, and hardly get anyone bothering you.
but when you feel like chatting, you can't really do so either.
and the only form of chatting you can get is thru texting, which is rather sad.
but the fact that you can only eat, sit, work, sleep in an office life really scares me.
it's just added incentive for weight gain and gain only.
it's difficult trying to balance exercising into the office life schedule, especially when dinner's at a fixed time for me.
i know, discipline would be the answer.
but there were several times when it was not the mind but the body that couldn't take it.
i had muscles cramps while exercising and practically had to sit by the roadside to massage it.
not only is it embarassing, it just shows how tired my muscles were and that incorporating exercise into that lifestyle just doesn't work that well.

sometimes i just wish i had the money to afford a personal trainer.
one who can tell me exactly what i have to do to acheive what i want.
one who can tell me exactly what lifestyle i should have, what exercises i have to do, what food i can or cannot take.
all of that while taking in the factor of the control of blood sugar.

and sometimes i just feel so much easier to be wasted.
and i can only get that when i'm high.
where i can forget about whatever shit.
what blood sugar levels, whatever calories or carbo intake.
and just have fun.
but nobody ever understands that do they?

everyone thinks it's so easy.
just inject, and carry on with life.
no, that's not the case.
there are so many details i have to know, that i've simply ignored it.
and it's difficult when your parents aren't really helpful by throwing you all the food to finish.
nobody knows, nobody understands.
all they see is just my exterior.
how i pretend to portray myself to them.
i'm not being pretentious.
i'm just being the happy exterior that everyone likes to see.
but nobody knows the interior, of how i feel.
and goodness, it's already been 7 freaking years and i'm still debating on all this shit.

life sucks.

peccadillo

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:14:30 GMT

well, my day has been great today. had a new working experience, haha -- msging during work and with someone who was actually in the same office. haha. it is actually nice having someone to chat with while working, because it sort of makes everything going. like while i'm anticipating the next text, it makes me work faster in between, and it helps when he's so humourous and actually makes me laugh and smile at his messages, haha. and it's funny how i can just say anything i feel like saying, like to a close friend although we barely talked to each other previously at work, haha. but it's nice, that goes to show how friendly my work environment is. the sad thing is that the work is really mundane, and the pay's meagre. so yeah, but it's still alright for now.

anw, what i wanted to talk abt today is actually the title and the picture i've inserted. everyone has their own peccadillo, their flaws somewhere because no one's perfect. so in life, i guess we all pretty much have to see things in more different perspectives. like how we should always try to be optimistic, and be open-minded. which is something i'm working at myself, to try not to think too much and just appreciate things. sometimes, i think we all take certain things/people for granted. for myself, i guess that'll be my parents. i often overlook their concerns, neglect their feelings, and not appreciate their hard work and effort.
i don't know, sometimes i think i'm not good enough a person.
although it's really heartening to hear others say good stuff about myself, deep down inside, i do think whether that's really true.
like...i don't feel like i've met up to their expectations of being a good girl, a sweet girl or what nots.
like...i know no one's perfect, but i don't think i'm good enough to accept their compliments.
yeah, that's how i feel. (and my mum says that i'm being negative thinking that way?)
so when others tell me that, i always feel kinda weird.
and when i'm hearing it from people i'm not very very close to yet, it's even more weird.
but it's still a nice thing to hear, it really makes my day.
and these days, i realise that it actually made me smile more, hahaha.
still, we all have our peccadillos, so we should always try to learn to accept these flaws in others too.
(although today's incident of the screaming lady is abit difficult to accept, but i shall try)

it's just that i can't really get that into my head.
because i'm sort of a perfectionist.
i want everything to be perfect, about myself and not others.
i'm willing to accept flaws in others, but i feel disgusted by my own.
so while balancing the optimism with the negative thoughts i have of myself, i guess it'll be much easier if people could tell me what my flaws are to them. at least it'll open my eyes to what i may not know about myself right?

am i making sense?
arh, i'm tired.
shall stop the ranting/whatever you call this.
verbal vomit?
okay, stop stop.
good night everybody.
and do drop me a note or text if you've anything to say about my flaws, i promise i'll be open-minded about everything.
but maybe you could start by not telling me directly into my face, yes thank you very much (:

it's been awhile...

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:41:39 GMT

hey everybody. somehow i feel that it's been awhile since i've last blogged, have i?
oh wells.
anw, there's been quite a few happenings lately, and most are good, heh. (:

first, my contract's ending.
extended for an extra week, but yeah.
i'm rather bored by the work already, and hearing from my colleagues, i'm really underpaid for the amount of work and effort i've put in.
oh wells, i'm too lazy to go find another job also la.
sian, maybe slack around first then see how, haha.

second, i feel so loved by my parents.
they got me a new laptop and printer just for school!
how cool is that?!
but i really feel fortunate.
i'm the only one who gets all the good stuff, at the youngest age compared to my brothers.
like i've always travelled by car since i was born,
got all the newer technological devices,
and being the only girl, i get all the new clothes and all.

thirdly, i've found out really interesting facts about my colleagues!
or rather one of my collegues la.
he used to be in canoeing in jc, and i just found out today that we've got the same scar on the same foot at the same spot from the same sporting incident! haha, how amazing man!
and what's more cool is we might even become school mates or even course mates in future, if i get into my first choice that is.
man, life is really full of coincidences eh.
and yeah, i've realised how much fun it is to actually get to know new peole, and chill out even if it's just for an hour during lunch everyday.
i'm glad that at least we all closer than before already, although the sad fact is that it happened a little too late since i'll be leaving very soon.
haha, and it has proven me one fact.
i can actually get along with guys.
which strenghtens my belief that platonic friendships really can exist (:
just like what eunice olsen mentioned on the tv show the duke.

and i realised that i really think too much sometimes.
like how previously i thought how my parents actually didn't trust me enough and all, but after coming to terms and thinking back, i realised that they are actually just truly worried and care for me. so i should really really stop over-thinking and be more optimistic, i know.
i've been hearing from everyone that i've changed alot, for the worse, to become more and more negative.
i'm not sure why, but deep down inside, i think i do know why.
just that i'm not gg to say it here.

anyhow, life's gg great right now.
except for the lack of calls for interviews or the appearance of any acceptance letters yet.
so i shall enjoy life while i still can.

btw, whoever has a job offer, do let me know yeah.
love you all :D

2hours, that's all.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 12:42:54 GMT

i'm surprised i can actually survive clubbing in the mid week, when i'm still working.
well, friday was still much better than yesterday.
the crowd was better, we were higher and yeah we stayed all the way.
seriously last night was too packed, we could hardly move or even vibrate, haha.
and ppl just kept moving and walking around so it's like major elbowing, butting and pushing all around.
and we were too cautious being safe and not drunk that we were too sober to get high and enjoy ourselves, haha.
it's just that at the end of it all, i was too tired to really want to even bob around, i just wanted to stone, heh.
and shit, i'm like addicted or sth. just keep thinking of hanging out tgt with the girls.
oh and we met a few ppl there last night.
dj and another ny guy but i don't know his name,haha.
i'm glad we didn't meet the friday night guys, yixin and caro will get what i mean.

*edited
[oh yeah, i forgot to add that.
i guess training sleeping late at nights and getting very little sleep for a few years actually help.
cos i only managed to squeeze 2 hours of sleep in a very uncomfortable position since my hair was wet, and i'm still feeling a-oh-kay! haha, but the first few hours of work was quite difficult to get thru, had to have like 2 cups of cappucino to help me tide thru, but that's it.
and somehow it had to get so busy today, with new assignments (that was crazily supposed to be done by the end of the day although it's impossible) and more things coming in.
managed to clear some old work, but still, the pile (which keeps growing) is still there.
does that mean i'll get a higher chance of an extension? since i haven't finished what i have on hand yet? hehe.
plus everyone's like asking me whether i'll be extending?!
sally's recommending me, mabel asked.
siti, suling, daphne, stephen, ramlah asked.
haha, it's nice to know that i do have nice collegues.
and getting all the lunch dates next week is sweet, all the farewell lunches since it's technically my last week of work.
haha, oh i'll really miss the working environment cos the people there are really nice and caring.
(cos i actually really think that the real working environment's much worse than this, like office politics. which is great that we don't have it here! )
it's like all departments work tgt so often, it's like a mini gathering all the time.
and our dept itself is already great to work with (:
arh...]

i was just a bit screwed cos my mum got damn pissed that i got home so 'late' since i still have work tml.
funny thing is she's the one who's suffering from the lack of sleep and not me, although she didn't wait up for me but just woke up at 3 to realise i'm still not home yet. i thought that she would at least appreciate the fact that i'm telling her where i go all the time, and not lie to her where i'm gg and stuff.
oh wells, parents always worry don't they?

i still remember my dad predicting that i'll be some wild child when i grow up.
are his predictions correct?
i mean while we're still young, we should have fun right?
and it's not like we're doing it excessively, we do control ourselves alot.
like last night, how un-high it was, haha.
haiz.

and tml they're mtg for sentosa again, heh.
it's like we just like hanging out all tgt, it's like we can never get sick of each other, and i think that's very nice, haha.
i think i should just go, tan consecutively for two days and hopefully that'll help make me darker. heh.
and the long weekend is great, it's like finally off work, for a longer while.
getting quite sick of it, and if they offer me the extension of contract, i don't know if i should continue.
partly also because the pay's like shit.
haiz.

okay, i promise i won't get addicted.
just patronise more often than the last few months, cos i stayed away for awhile.
but yeah.
it's quite fun to see your friends tipsy and high too sometimes.
you see the different side to them.
and esp myself.
i'm actually quite shocked that i would like clubbing, because when i was younger, i always had the idea of being the totally goody-too-shoes, or whatever it was supposed to be.
i'm not saying that i'm some wild child now, but i can at least understand the mindset of others now.
and i have like a crazier side to me, now that i realise.
i guess i'm really seeing the leo in me come out eh, the one who likes to have fun (:
but that's only partially true, hahaha.

i feel rather broke though.
and my paycheck's not very appealing to the wallet either, sian.
anyhow, have a nice long weekend ppl.
happy good friday, easter, whichever you like :D

phuture

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 08:59:26 GMT

alright, life had been pretty mundane till last night.
haha, cos it's just been work, home, random meetups that's it.

last night was great, and it was my highest session yet.
and the drinks before phuture really made all of us tipsy, add that on to the loud music, rotating lights and the crowd at the place, we were practically on cloud nine (or rather hundred if there was such a thing).

funny thing is that we ran out of mixers and had to get more, for that extra bottle we had which was prolly what made us all so high.
and it was really the first time i actually saw for myself the policeman checking ids at the playground. thank goodness he checked the group of guys next to us and didn't check ours cos two of them didn't have their nric with them, haha.

by the time we were heading back to the club, caro was already drunk.
i was rather tipsy myself, but i'm not sure if it was because i ran out of medication or it was the drinks.
jasmine and yixin were still okay, or seemed like it.

the dance floor was damn packed.
and we practically had no space to move around, so yeah.
and the guys there really just take that opportunity to...you know.
after awhile, jasmine puked and went on home first.
the 3 remaining ones headed back, and that was when all the guys just started dancing around us.
it was pretty scary, especially since it felt like we were caved in.
(thinking back, i think that was their tactic you know...hmmm)
then the second part was just all of us dancing away from each other and all, not going into details because i shall let it remain as the memory of who was there.
yeah, and yixin was damn drunk by then.
myself and caro too actually.
so we all couldn't really save one another.
i tried very hard but i really couldn't, so we all left ourselves to handle.
one misfortune, caro lost her phone.
while we were looking for yixin to get home.
actually we both felt it was more like a pickpocket.
damn, hers was the 10th case of that night from what we heard from the security guy.
oh, can i mention that the staff there are all really nice?
not the bar staff though.
but the floor staff and security guys are nice.
haha, and i just remembered the 2 security guys outside whom we took turns to help the other group take photos after we sent jasmine home. damn funny.

anyhow, so we sent caro back first since she didn't have her phone.
yixin next, and it was hard to get her home, cos she didn't want me to go up with her.
haha, and i don't know if she remembers what she said the whole ride back, haha.
and somehow the drunk her and the tipsy me couldn't get the keys to fit into the lock of her house, so i had no choice but to ring the bell.
man, i felt so bad.
and her dad came out and helped her in.
cabbed back and the freaking cab fare was 40plus going to 50 bucks man!
what the hell, i think i was fleeced.
and the drinks at the bar too.
they said they had no more jugs, so it was 2 tickets for one glass?!
like hello, it was supposed to be one for one glass you know.
2 standard drinks right.
oh wells.
i still had a fun night, and really not my style if you knew what happened.
it was rather fun though, like the experience of it all.
it has actually just sparked my interest of the drinking and clubbing thing all over again.
oh man, i can't help feeling the urge to go again soon, some time.
but don't worry people, i can safely say that i have high alcohol tolerance levels.
or at least i'm able to stay clear headed enough to take care of myself and the rest?
haha, man.
CARO, plan next one soon! haha.